The scale describes me as 'exclusively homosexual', of which I've no doubt. It means I am very gay, that I only date men, that I only have sex with men, that I can tell the difference between teal and green, and so on.
It was no surprise when my request to hang out with a friend, who is on the down low, for a future event, was politely declined (in many words), as he would find it difficult to explain to his friends why a 'very gay' individual such as myself knows him, and has the audacity to greet him, and sit in the same area with him.
I wasn't even mad, I told him that I respected his view, and left it at that.
In my heart though, I felt sadness.
To be fair, you have to look at it from his perspective as well, being on the down low is rough, keeping up appearances and putting on acts, he can't really be yourself without the fear of everyone else finding out, and his life changing significantly as a result. He has constructed his life to what it is now, a successful young professional. He wouldn't dare risk throwing it all away because he was seeing hanging out with a gay guy who has a similar interest. People would ask questions, and that would be the beginning of the end of his carefully curated image.
In my case, I felt sad because I can never really fit in some circles. It's not like I asked to be overwhelmingly gay, it's just incredibly difficult for me to hide aspects of myself. It's the little things like my waving of hands, or my voice's intonation... those are a right giveaway. I am not ashamed of myself, but I wish that other individuals could be more accommodating of such things. It's a bit hard fitting in heterosexual spaces. I don't know how to 'turn it down a notch'.
I don't even feel like going for that event anymore.
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