Unable To Go With The Flow

It's the same damn cycle every time.

Usually on social media or dating apps such as Grindr.

They are usually very good looking.

We get talking. And boy oh boy don't we talk. A month, two months passes by, until an idea of meeting is floated.

We meet. I am trying not to get my expectations up. I mean, we're so in sync. You also listen to CHVRCHES? Fantastic!  The day, coffee house venue, and time are selected.

Date day appears.

They are late. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty. Forty...

I am writing a message that I am leaving in twenty minutes, I do not like waiting on people, or dates. I can only wait for a flight or a doctor. Or dinner.

They appear.

We talk and beat around the bush, but then I notice time is moving quickly. So I stock up the barrel, and shoot the question, "what are you looking for?"

"I am going with the flow, I don't know". 

I am disappointed. I have gotten out of something a few months ago that was entirely "going with the flow", and I got burned at the end of it.

Same scripts, different cast. I cannot do this. I walk to the noisy bus terminal feeling disappointed.

Later, we talk about it. I explain that I cannot do "going with the flow". The light that was building up in me has now turned off.

They mail me to say that they were not genuine about their answer. This alarms me even more. A younger me would have been happy, over the moon even. But integrity is important to me. If you can't be genuine with your feelings, how will I trust you? I declined their advance, asking to remain friends, as we have much in common.

A reply with many words about being disappointed in my answer, and following the sun or something, is displayed on my screen. I choose not to reply. It is marked as read, and archived.
I tell him on another platform that yes, I received it, but I didn't see the need to reply. How does one reply to a conclusion?

Later, he caught feelings and asked me I won't reconsider. I tell him the truth, the light in me vanished, and that I don't have the emotional capacity to pursue it any further. He is now upset, and not talking to me.

He needs time and space to get over it.

I will follow my heart, and my heart is saying no to this fellow.Yes, he is younger than me. Nairobi's small, gay society doesn't have much. One must scale downwards and shake (or rob) a cradle in attempt to find someone to date.

All my dating apps are now uninstalled, and I've no man to focus on at the moment. I am not looking for a new man, that process of getting to know them all over again is quite a tedious one.

Tedious indeed.